Timmy Octavian

3 Ways to Keep From Killing Your Co-Workers



Posted: Tuesday, September 08, 2009

by Timmy Octavian

Have you ever had one of those days when you understood why postal employess show up at work with Uzis and spray the whole mailroom? Have you ever prayed for the freedom to commit just ONE murder so you could show your boss just what you thought about him and his silly Weekly Happy Worker Meetings? Is their someone at your job who makes your day so miserable that you are seriously contemplating having another child just so you can take a maternity leave and not have to see them for three months?

If you answered 'Yes' to one or more of the preceeding questions then you need to keep reading this article. Even if you didn't answer 'Yes' to the preceeding questions or even if you didn't read the preceeding questions you still need to keep reading this article. Studies have shown that people who read my articles are 10 times more likely to have a stress-free bowel movement within 24 hours than those who stop reading in the middle.

So what can you do about those pesky co-workers who make you life a living Hades from 9 to 5 everyday. Fortunately for you, I, Timothy Ward, former Yugo owner and lifetime subscriber to I Hate People magazine, have been analyzing this question every since I decided to write this article. That means that for the last 2 and 1/2 minutes have have devoted my brain to nothing else and now I am ready to share with you: Timothy Ward's 3 Ways to Keep from Killing Your Co-Workers.

1. Kill Them In Your Head

While actually killing your co-workers could have long-term consequences like imprisonment and subsequent nightly anal-rapes, merely visualizing the killing of your co-workers in your head will only lead to reduced stress, above-average smiles and grins, and possibly some orgasmic releases. So go crazy with it. Imagine killing your corporation comrades with a variety of weapons, coventional and uncoventional. Suppress you conscience for a while and bring torture into the mix. Nuclear weapons are ok as well, remember there's no fallout or radioactive rain when it's all in your mind. Try this technique anytime someone gets on your nerves and you'll see that in no time you'll be the happiest workerbee in the hive.

Note: If you happen to let the visualization get out of control and you actually DO murder a co-worker please do not mention this article at your trial.

2. Stay at Home

This is really a simple one. Most of us only run into co-workers at work. When we are at home we have a whole other set of problems to deal with. So if you refuse to go to work then your co-worker problems are solved. Of course, you'll have to come up with some ingenius excuses as to why your staying home so that you won't get fired. I suggest watching as many television sitcoms as you can and learning from them. People on sitcoms seem to never be at work. They always talk about work, and sometimes you see them coming in from work, but you rarely see them at work. Every time you tune in they are right there at home, usually in the dining or living rooms and occasionally in the garage. Once in a blue moon you might get to see one of the kid's bedroom but this almost never happens until at least season 3. I suggest doing nothing but watch sitcoms for at least 3 months before you put your Operation Stay At Home in motion. Worst case scenario: You'll be so bored with cookie-cutter scenarios and predictable plots that you'll be ready to go back to work even with horrible co-workers.

3. Eat More beans

This is a very straightforward method of getting people who annoy you to stay away from you. As most of us know the eating of large quantities of beans has certain side effects that are, to put it mildly, distasteful to most humans. To put it bluntly, you will fart a lot and they will be loud, stinky, fresh-out-of-the-small-intestine farts that will have the power to paralyze and similtaneously sicken to the point of wretching anyone unfortunate enough to be downwind of them. After a few days of this not only will you have cleansed much of your intestinal tract but you also will have developed such a reputation that no one at work will want to come near you let alone linger long enough to annoy you.

In conclusion I just want to wish everyone a good day at work and I hope that these tips will be helpful. If they're not well feel free to blame me for your misery. Just make sure that I get a decent burial when you murder me in your head...

Timmy Octavian is a humor writer, blogger, and video creator.

Follow him on Twitter to get updates about his latest articles, videos, and events in his life so striking that he has to share them with total strangers in less than 140 characters.
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