Timmy Octavian

If I Lose My Job Blame Ashley Tisdale & Twitter



Posted: Tuesday, September 22, 2009

by Timmy Octavian

There was a time when I swore that I would never get on Twitter. I just didn't see the point. Why would anyone want to sit around all day reading about what other people were doing in 140 characters or less. I was far too busy with work, complaining about work, and thinking up excuses to miss work for this kind of foolishness.

But as happens so much in my life I changed my mind. I don't really recall why but one day I just said to myself: 'Self, let's give Twitter a try.' And since I didn't answer myself back with any reasonable objections, I went to Twitter.com and set up an account. And from that moment on my life changed...

There's just something about Following people, especially famous people, that gives me a thrill. Maybe it's because my own life consists of hot days at work, cold takeout for dinner at night, and lukewarm beer in between. When you live in this vicious circle of boredom like I do, reading tweets about Ashley Tisdale's new hairdo not only breathes fresh air in your musky existence but it also makes you feel like you're part of the world. And then to top it all off she POSTS A PICTURE!!! of the new hairdo and suddenly I'm a kid again, alive and free.

I know, you think I'm pathetic. A grown man getting excited over the random tweets of a tween. Well I'll have you know that I also derive great pleasure from the tweets of Kirstie Alley, Ellen DeGeneres, and Shaquille O'Neal, and some weird guy from Fresno who says funny stuff and makes even funnier faces. So there, I may be addicted but at least I 'm well-rounded.

I tried to explain to the guys at work about Twitter but they stared at me like I was speaking Swahili or something. One guy asked if there were any naked chicks on there. Another guy wanted to know if following someone on Twitter could be considered stalking. My boss just spit and walked away. You just can't bring culture to some people.

I've started to lose sleep because of Twitter. You know when you wake up in the middle of the night and roll around for a few seconds finding a comfortable position and then go right back to sleep? Well I jump up and refresh my Twitter page to see what's happening in the world. I'd hate for Perez Hilton to tweet something and I not get to read it until THE NEXT MORNING. That just won't do in TwitterTown.

I think my job performance has started to slip because of Twitter. I drag in every morning looking like Death wormed-over because I've been up all night refreshing and reading (my R&R). Then instead of focusing on my work I spend all day looking at the time and counting down the hours until I can get on Twitter again. I've developed a nervous twitch (Twit-ch. Get it!) and I also find myself scratching and pacing a lot.

All in all, I'm glad I joined Twitter. Sure I'm about to lose my job, I've developed a serious case of eyeball strain from staring at my monitor too much, and my room smells like the county landfill because doing I refuse to do laundry and cut into my TwitTime. Those are all small prices to pay to know what the constantly be updated about what world is doing. And now if you'll excuse me, I think Paris just tweeted something about her dog that I JUST HAVE TO READ...

Follow me on Twitter @mrtimothyjward

Timmy Octavian is a humor writer, blogger, and video creator.

Follow him on Twitter to get updates about his latest articles, videos, and events in his life so striking that he has to share them with total strangers in less than 140 characters.
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