5 Surefire Ways To Nab The Girl of Your Dreams
Posted: Saturday, October 03, 2009
by Timmy Octavian
I constantly overhear guys asking for advice on how to land that special girl that they have been eyeing for months but have so far had no success in dating or even starting a conversation with in most cases.
I overhear these conversations because for some reason no one ever asks me for advice on this issue. This is a shame because I know exactly what these guys need to do. Don't believe me? Well for the skeptics in the room I have decided to list: 5 Surefire Ways to Nab the Girl of Your Dreams.
If all your previous efforts to snag the girl of your dreams have failed then perhaps it's time to switch up your tactics. Instead of trying to steal her heart why not go for stealing her whole body. Though illegal in all 50 states kidnapping is used quite often in Mexico and many South American countries and often with good results. You'll be surprised what a little duct tape, some strong rope, and a few hours in a locked trunk can do for changing the way a girl looks at you.
Authors Note: You may want to retain good legal counsel before attempting this one.
2. Only dream about hookers
One of the surest ways to quickly and easily nab the girl that you've been pining over is to be sure that the girl you are pining over is involved in the worlds oldest profession. No, not real estate. I'm talking about the worlds other oldest profession, the one that Eve undoubtedly had to engage in shortly after she and Adam were banned from the Garden. Yes, folks I'm talking about prostitution. Make sure that the girl of your dreams is a prostitute and not only will you be able to 'nab' her every payday you'll also be assured that when you do nab her she'll be experienced enough to carry her share of the fantasy.
3. Never Wake Up
If each and every night you fall asleep and dream about Becky McFarlane from your accounting class only to awaken every morning and realize that she doesn't even know your name let alone want to date you, then perhaps your best avenue for winning her undying love is to stay asleep. If you stay asleep long enough not only will she agree to date you but the two of you may go on to get married, buy a house, have 2.6 kids, and eventually retire to Florida together. Spending the rest of your life asleep is a small price to pay for all that.
Authors Note: Be sure to have a plan in place to awaken yourself in case of divorce, abnormal weight gain by your spouse, or extremely long visits from in-laws.
4. Alcohol A lonely man's best friend
If the girl of your dreams refuses to go out with you or even look at you for that matter then it may be time to step up and be a gentleman. A gentleman instead of pestering the lady will agree to leave her alone. He will then stalk her until he finds out what bar, club, or restaurant she frequents. He will wait until he catches her there on a Friday night after shes had a long stressful day, and then he will offer to buy her a drink as his way of saying sorry for bothering her with his previous unwanted advances. When he finishes he will buy her another drink. Then another, and another, and another. He will continue buying the lady drinks until she is so blurry-eyed and incoherent that she would probably take home a card carrying member of Al-Qaeda not to mention a gentleman like yourself.
5. Begging It's not just for the poor
Sometimes being attractive, suave, and having a good sense of humor just isn't enough. The modern woman is looking for more in a potential mate. She's looking for a man with goals, a man who can support her emotionally and physically, and a man who can be her soulmate. And if she can't find any of these qualities then she'll usually settle for a man that will grovel at her feet.
The ego of the average man keeps him for begging for a woman's affection but the fact that you continue reading this article shows that you a a pathetic wimp of a man who can probably grovel with the best of them. So next time you see Shirley from Human Resources throw all caution to the wind, get down on all fours, and tell her that you will do anything for her. Let her know that all she has to do is ask and it's hers. You will be her slave, her boytoy, and her valet parker all in one. Her wish is your command, her whim is your wish, her laundry is your problem. This should be more than enough to win her love.
If not, well then I suggest breaking out the duct tape...
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)I love it! You are hilarious...
Funny funny boy :)
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