3 Surefire Ways To Stop The Gulf Oil Leak Today!
Posted: Sunday, June 27, 2010
by Timmy Octavian
Since the sinking of the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig people have been screaming for BP or the U.S. government to figure out a way to stop the millions of gallons of oil that are gushing into the Gulf of Mexico.
Isn't that just like people? The good folks at BP try to give them something free and all they can do is turn their noses up at it. Oh well, you know what they say about looking an oil-covered gift seahorse in the mouth...
Some people suggested nuclear weapons and people everywhere had a collective stroke so this idea was tabled. I think that the real issue was not so much the devastation that the nukes could have caused, but instead how to decided which country would get the honor of getting to nuke the sucker. I can just see every country around the world that has stockpiles of nukes and hasn't been able to use them clamoring for a shot at blowing something to bits with one of their babies.
Since everyone seems to want this oil leak stopped so that we can forget about it and move on to bigger and better things like World Cup Soccer, I have decided to put my considerable knowledge in all things Earthly to use and come up with 3 Surefire Ways To Stop The Gulf Oil Leak Today .
1. Terrorize It!
Just because we have all agreed not to use nuclear bombs doesn't mean that we can't use any bombs at all. Surely there are other types of explosives that we could use that could plug this pesky leak.
And when it comes to getting just the right bomb to do the trick there are no better experts than the countless terrorist groups that infest the Middle East.
I mean, these people know how to makes bombs that are lightweight enough, and innocent looking enough that people will strap them on their backs and then go blow themselves up. Surely anyone who has that much skill with explosives could piece together something to plug a hole in a pipe.
2. Just Ignore It.
There is nothing anyone hates worst than being ignored. That is why the silent treatment is so successfully. We will do almost anything to get people talking to us or about us. Oil spills are no different.
Right now this oil spill in the Gulf is basking in all the news coverage that it is getting. All day, everyday on television, the radio, in newspapers, and on the Net people are discussing the oil leak and what to do about it, though occasionally they will break to discuss Miley Cyrus' latest publicity stunt. Can you imagine the size of this spill's head right now. It's ego must be up there with Kanye West's.
But imagine what would happen if we stopped talking about it all the time. Imagine what a blow it would be to it's self-esteem if we started wasting all our precious news coverage time on something else. Something trivial and unimportant like world hunger or famine. Imagine how our little leak would react then.
It would be like a child that you lock in a room and let cry and cry-eventually it shuts up. Sometimes it cries itself to sleep, sometimes it tries to swallow Legos and nearly chokes to death while Mommy is watching All My Children in the next...wait a second...that might just be me.
Let's just say that if you let a child alone for long enough it will eventually shut up. And I think if we leave our leak alone for long enough and don't talk about it, shoot videos of it, or even mention it, it will eventually shut off. Why? Just so it can make the headlines again!
Fame is an addictive monster, people.
3. The Mother of All Ideas
If all else fails then humanity will be faced with only one alternative. We'll have to turn to the one force on Earth that is capable of tangling with a disaster of this magnitude and live to tell about it. We'll have to turn to the one being that wields enough power to stop any foe that stands in it's way. We'll have to turn to...Oprah Winfrey.
Yes folks, if all else fails then we'll have to send in the Queen of Talk to, well, talk to the oil leak. And I'm betting that after a few hours with Oprah we won't be seeing any more oil gushing from that live video feed anymore.
What makes Oprah qualified for this job? Well for one thing she is the most powerful woman in the World. Think about it. You could be broke, robbing Peter to pay Paul (literally), and about to close your business and all Oprah has to do is just mention she might know someone who could possibly have used your product and within two months you will be on the cover of Forbes.
Oprah makes and breaks more people in one day than a room full of kids with action figures. God looks at Oprah and gets suggestions on how to control people. If Oprah wanted you dead...YOU"D BE DEAD!
I think that kind of power is just what we need to show this little problem out in the Gulf of Mexico. Let it come face to face with Oprah's energy and see if it wants to wage war. Let Oprah educate it on how she single-handedly brought down the cattle barons in Texas. Then we'll see if it wants to keep spewing oil by the gallons into our oceans.
Bottom line: This oil spill can be beaten. We just have to use the proper resources available to us. And fortunately for mankind, my mind is one of those resources. So until the next world problem that will need my advice I'm signing off. If you need me I'll be somewhere off the Louisiana coast scooping up as much of that free oil as I can get my hands on. Thanks BP!
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)A very entertaining look at the sad state of humanity! Great suggestions, I'm quite sure any of them would work....Thanks for the comment!
That did it, one more article like this and I'm going to become a fan!LOL! Thanks Al. I'll try to come up with another one.
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