5 Things I'm Willing To Do For An IPhone 4
Posted: Tuesday, June 29, 2010
by Timmy Octavian
I'm too poor to afford Apple's new Iphone4. This is no real surprise because I was too poor to afford IPhones 1-3 as well. And chances are that unless there is some drastic change in my fortunes in the near future I won't be able to afford the next IPhone either.
But I'm not worried. After all, I live in America, and in America if you have a dream and the drive to pursue it, you will probably get punched in the face for jaywalking while pursuing this dream. But if you don't get physically assaulted then you might just achieve your dream. And if not, then you can always beg. Which brings me to: 5 Things I'm Willing To Do For An IPhone 4.
If you agree to buy me an Iphone 4 and spring for the activation fee, I will come over to your house every night for the next six months and cook you dinner. Imagine that! For six months you won't have to come home from work and slave in the kitchen over a hot stove preparing food that most of your family doesn't want to eat anyway. Now you can come home and relax knowing that dinner is in the hands of your favorite humor writer, Timmy Octavian.
And what capable hands those are. I have a full range of dishes I can prepare from Ramon Noodle casserole to Refried Hamburger Helper. I also make a mean microwavable pizza. And if that's not enough I can probably be convinced to whip up a batch of my famous mayonnaise sandwiches which, in spite of their wonderful taste, are surprisingly cheap to make. And this is good because I may need you to cough up some money to cover a few hundred ringtone downloads as well.
2. Take Your Mother-In-Law Out
There is nothing worse than having your mother-in-law living in your spare bedroom or converted garage and constantly criticizing you on how you run you household. This is why I will generously agree to take your mother-in-law out for dinner and a movie once a week for six months if you buy my Iphone 4.
There are, however, a few rules.
- You will pay for both me and mommy's meal.
- I will only take your mother-in-law to dimly lit restaurants.
- I will not go to see any romantic movies with your mother-in-law because I don't want her getting any ideas about getting to third base with me. In fact, I don't even have a clue what getting to third base might mean to someone your your mother-in-law's age, but I'm not going there whatever it is.
- Your mom-in-law has to agree not to take pictures of her and myself and then show them to her friends while bragging about being a cougar.
- I retain the right to skip a week if I feel my eyesight is starting to suffer.
- If taking your mother-in-law out for six months results in my having to see a trained mental health professional you will pay for my therapy and I will get to keep my Iphone 4.
I know that every now and then you and your spouse could probably use some alone time. If you are not married then you could probably use some time to go out with and find a mate. So in exchange for my bright new shiny Iphone 4 I will agree to watch your kids while you have a night out on the town.
Let me just make one thing perfectly clear though. I am not agreeing to babysit your children. I am merely agreeing to watch them. Only a total fool would babysit your kids, especially after the incident with poor Mrs. Barker. Fortunately, the doctors think her hair will grow back within weeks, they are so optimistic about her nose and ears.
By watching your children I mean just that--watching. You set up some kind of surveillance system in your home that ties in with the internet and from time to time between trying to sell old clothes on Craiglist and spying on ex-girlfriends on Facebook, I will click over and watch your kids for a minute or two. At least this way there will be someone to give the authorities a general idea of what was going on in the house when the 911 calls start rolling in.
4. Listen To You Whine
Your friends are getting sick of listening to you whine. They just love you too much to tell you. But if you keep going on and on for hours everyday about how you know you need to leave Bobby but you can't cause you love him, their love is going to wither and burn.
That is why I am going to reward you for caring enough to buy me an Iphone 4 by agreeing to listen to you whine for a whole year. Yes that's right, A WHOLE YEAR. Of course I am not referring to the Julian calender where a whole year is 365 days. I am referring to the only slightly lesser known Foolian Calender where a year is 36.5 minutes. That is about as long as I will be able to stand all your complaining and whining. And even then I will probably have to be heavily medicated.
5. Watch Your Favorite TV Show With You
No one likes the shows you like. And if they do they never want to watch them with you because you talk too much and you can't follow a storyline. Watching Real Housewives of New Jersey under normal circumstances is hard enough, watching it with a complete tool like you is almost unbearable.
However, in the name of new electronics that I don't really need, I am willing to undertake this daunting task. I will sit down with you once a week for an entire season and watch your favorite show with you. As you have probably guessed, however, there are some stipulations:
- You cannot get up and go to the kitchen and then come back and asked me what happened.
- You cannot make me take the interactive quizzes on the television network's website after the show is over.
- We will not be watching the show in HD, nor will we listen with Surround Sound.
- You cannot under any circumstance put your feet in my lap.
- I get the remote control.
- We will not be sharing bowls of popcorn during the show.
- I reserve the right to be doing all sorts of cool things on my new Iphone during the entire show. This shouldn't offend you because at least you'll know I'm getting your money's worth out of it.
In conclusion, I just want to ask anyone who has some extra cash lying around and nothing to do with it to seriously consider my offer. Not only would you be bringing immeasurable happiness into my life, but you would also be bringing a measurable bill into your life every month because I will probably have AT & T forward it to your house. Why? Well that way I'll have something bulky on hand to hit your mother-in-law with if she starts getting too frisky after we come back from dinner...
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)You tell a brilliant story, with an unexpected twist to the ending! Thanks, I loved this...Thank you Jennifer, for the read and the comment.
This article had me laughing hysterically at work, which is something I normally don't do. I really liked the part about the mother-in-law. At first, I thought the story was real, shows how much I'm duped, but within the first section about cooking dinner for six months was farfetched. This was truly a funny story. Great job!!!Glad you enjoyed the article James. Hope you didn't get into any trouble at work...Thanks for the reading and commenting.
Very funny article. I especially love "5. Watch Your Favorite TV Show With You". =DThanks Joe, for the read and the comment.
Lol great article i dont think you would want to take my mother in law out though!!Thanks for the comment Mark. Is your mom-in-law really that bad????
Let me know if this works for ya Timmy. Stranger things have happened. Very original and very funny!Thanks Brianna for reading. So far no takers on my offer but we'll see...
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